EXTRA VIRGIN.

Image: Vicky Leta

Extra Virgin.

The dangers and absurdity of  purity culture.

September 23,2022

The Market Place of Ideas

On a shopping trip years ago with my dearly departed mother.

We walked past the extra virgin olive oil display in the baking section of the grocery store.

I smirked and said to my mom.

"Extra virgin who checks?like unmarried nuns ?"Like seriously what if one of the olives got carried away with another olive and gets too frisky"? 

Upon hearing my Seinfeld inspired observational humor, my mothers strict catholic and carribean upbringing shoot into action. Causing  her to shoot me a look that said lock it up funny man.

This interaction would literally sum up our version of "The Talk".

Most of my sex education for better or worse would come  from Hollywood, the very late night red shoe diaries, and a insane amount of free online porn. 

However In the summer of my sophomore year of action night or youth night at my church. I sat in on one of the most uncomfortable cringe worthy sex talks of my life.

Our youth leader's wife at the time was talking in very descriptive terms about the fleshy and sultry lyrics to Salt n Peppers hit song "let's talk about sex"

Released in 1990 it was a bonafide hit even getting nominated for a Grammy Award for Best Rap Performance by a Duo or group.

Now this song was true to the 90's.

Bright colors in the video,female and male dancers shaking what the good Lord gave them.

Dare I say all the outfits that Salt n Peppa had on were doing the Lord's work.

Amen!!!!

However this sort of stuff was a big no no in the evangelical church in the nineties.

With lyrics like

"Yo, Pep, I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio

And why not? Everybody havin' sex

I mean, everybody should be makin' love

Come on, how many guys you know make love?

Let's talk about sex, baby

Let's talk about you and me

Let's talk about all the good things

And the bad things that may be"

You see a big part of forming a Christian identity for  kids was about waiting to have sex until marriage.

I can recall damn near getting turned on by a warm breeze  during my adolescence.

However with all the shame and silence regarding our "changing bodies" there was no one to talk to if you had questions.

Like why all your sex dreams were in the school library and Gonzo from Sesame street always had a camcorder recording.

Or could you have an erection for more than four hours?

I mean due to the influence of  available xxx rated content online.

I'm surprised more young men didn't go into the plumbing or pizza delivery trade.

So from the jump unrealistic expectations were thrust upon us.

Parents,Teachers and Pastors taught us that a vow of chastity would keep us from getting hurt or becoming damaged goods.

But the media said if you're not getting it on something's wrong with you.

If I messed up and got a young woman in "trouble," I would risk not having intimacy with God and give up living the perfect, sanctified life.

By overcoming our fleshly desires and transcending the needs of the physical we would have more time and space for receiving God’s grace

The passage from Romans 12 was drilled over and over into the heads of the faithful “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

With the stress of chastity rings, purity pledges, and no fap fridays. It's a miracle that so many kids from the  90's didn't lose their minds.

However as you get older, get married, or just start having adult relationships you're able to distance yourself from the  toxic aspects of this movement.

When I became a father to two beautiful young girls,I thought about how I could raise them without them being ashamed of their bodies.

And perhaps shield them from the insanity i endured as a young teen.

But just like roaches and a Cher farewell tour sexual misconduct within the church and christian culture refuses to go away.

On May 19, 2020, famed Christian apologists, and by the looks of it the king of happy endings Ravi Zacharias passed away.

Four months after his death three women who worked at two day spas he had co-owned in the Atlanta area, came forward claiming that he had sexually harassed multiple female massage techs.

The tales of misconduct from this married man of the cloth are as plentiful as they were gross.

One of his former staff claimed. 

He masturbated in front of her, requested explicit photos of her, and asked for sex on at least two occasions.

Then at the start of the 

Covid-19 pandemic in November 2020 now former Hillsong celebrity pastor Carl Lentz  got caught up in a cheating scandal.

A woman came forward to say that she had an affair with Carl Lentz, she said he had informed her that "he loved her and  he was a manager of athletes and entertainers".

However this year there was probably one of the most shocking claims of sexual abuses I've heard of in a long time.These crimes were brought to you by America’s largest Protestant denomination the SBC (Southern Baptist Convention).

Many of these cases that were discovered had been covered up for decades sending shock waves throughout various christian spaces.

As Emily St. James on June 7, 2022 10:40 am wrote for Box.

"The sexual abuse scandal rocking the Southern Baptist Convention, explained

America’s largest Protestant denomination covered up a sexual abuse problem for decades".

"Complaints about sexual abuse and sexual assault on the part of pastors were sent to higher-ups who then kept those accusations quiet. Though the report, by Guidepost Solutions, was only commissioned to study the cover-up from the years 2000 and on, it found incidents of sexual abuse going back to the 1960s. In all, Guidepost found accusations leveled against people at all levels: church volunteers, staff, and leadership, including those at the top of the church’s ladder. Those accusations were made by people of different ages and genders, and they include allegations of child sexual abuse, the grooming of adolescents, and the sexual assault of adults".

This is where purity culture can be an enabler to perpetrators and perverts who hide in between the church walls.

The cult of purity culture shames young men and women for having natural wants, needs and, desires.

And by pushing this attitude it creates a culture where victims never come forward if they are harmed by trusted leaders.

So to be clear it's not just the Southern Baptist Convention.

Hell don't even get me started on the Catholic Church.

The lack of openness about sex within religious circles causes a lot of these problems.

Which is why rather than silence it's time to get bold.

Rather than shame and forced internalized hatred.

The youth need the truth.

This is why I'm proposing a BIG BOOK OF SEX Dictionary 

I don't know if this is a thing already but we need it  from A-Z

Definitions with pictures,medical and slang terms.

Everything from dildos to tampons, furry culture to burlesque dancing and everything in-between 

We need to teach the cultural significance of the stone wall riots and the Aids crisis in the 80's and 90's.

We need discussions about all the topics  condoms, birth control, abstinence, and lgbtqia2s+issues.

There needs to be a  transparent  no holds barred sex education provided by the church.

Because there is so much that is not talked about that can lead to misinformation. 

Here are some of the myths that still persist in the hallways and locker rooms in schools.

Oral sex is safe sex. ...

You can tell if someone has a sexually transmitted infection. ...

Condoms means safe sex. ...

Only MSM (men who have sex with men) can get HIV. ...

Pulling out before ejaculation is safe.

Real life sex is like pornography. ...

Everyone is having sex. ...

Boys don't need to worry about contraception that is the girl's responsibility. ...

STI tests are only for those who sleep around. ...

You can't get pregnant if you have sex in a bath, standing up and on your first time.

There are literally libraries of this type of misinformation out there but to wrap this up (pun intended)

I would hate to have my kids or anyone else's children grow up with all the

guilt and shame I and so many others did.

If we get this right we could have a new generation of children and teenagers not ashamed of their bodies.

A movement of youth willing to speak out if they see or experience wrong doing.

 They could relax in the fact of knowing that we all deserve to exist without shame and hatred of our sexuality.

So I call on all of us that the next time we pass by the olive oil aisle.

We bring out a sharpie and write on the bottle" prove it" or "you wish"

I think mom would be proud.